I am a preexisting condition and I'm still worthy

If you have an illness, think you have an illness, or may have an illness in the future...diabetes, heart disease, cancer, migraines, depression, autoimmune disease, what-have-you...you are still worthy. You are worthy of the love of those around you. You are worthy of your own love and self-soothing actions. You are worthy of the time and attention from your medical community. And you are worthy of quality treatment so that you might live a life with as much dignity, peace, and joy as you can squeeze out of it.

I say this because, having lived with chronic conditions for a very long time, I know how often the message that you are not worthy plays on repeat in subtle and loud ways throughout the days, weeks, and years. One way or another, eventually the words solidly sink in. "Be normal or go away!"

Maybe it's a certain look by someone who doesn't understand or doesn't want to "deal" with you. Perhaps it's your own frustration with not being able to break free of the restrictions that bind you. Or maybe it's a damning decision made by politicians that were supposed to be representing your well-being.

Believe me, I get it. I receive those message, too. At times they are so loud that I wish I wasn't here to hear them.

Living with chronic illness can feel like a constant fight to not give up. This past winter was the first time I told someone out loud that I wished I wasn't alive. While I've never been suicidal*, this thought has crossed my mind sporadically over the years during symptom flares and medical battles that never seem to lead to answers. While this thought can sometimes feel true, it's really not.

In theory, I may want to give up and be done with the fight. In reality, I want to love, create, and be in this amazing experience. But I also do not want to live in a cage. Months ago I shaved off some of my hair and pierced my tragi...not the norm for the rule-following blend-in type that I often tend to be. When I was asked about the changes I realized I was trying to reclaim my body. I was being creative with it in a way that felt good, because so often my body doesn't feel like my own. I could list out the "weaknesses," aka the ways I am restricted, but unless I'm prepping for a doc appointment those kinds of lists aren't really helpful. Instead, through support groups, therapy, and my closest loved ones, I'm realizing how fucking strong I have been while I mostly fought all of this alone. If you've struggled with chronic conditions, it's possible (even likely) that along the way you've normalized your symptoms. When I first expressed issues, I was often laughed off as being silly and told it was all normal. When these reactions happen, you might internalize it to mean, "Oh, so everyone has this going on? It's normal? Dang, everyone else is holding it together so much better than me! I must be really weak."

That has been the lie I've told myself most of my life, an assumption that the symptoms are normal and I am just whimpy. Because of this, I felt shame and guilt for conditions that were out of my control. To prove my worth, I pushed beyond my body's limits to try and fit within the standards of our mostly unbending society. I know better now. While I may have different limitations, I'm still worthy. And I'm not going away.

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*If you are contemplating suicide, PLEASE talk with someone. One possible resource: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.8255

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