PREFACE: A little over a week ago I had surgery for excision of endometriosis and hysterectomy for adenomyosis. The same day of my surgery I learned that someone else suffering with endometriosis committed suicide after being dismissed during an ER visit, a dismissal I myself experienced 20 years ago. I could understand her desperation. I'd lived it as well for decades. Yet here I am, fresh out of surgery, holding onto new hope. The contrast has been jarring. If only I could have passed along some of this newfound hope to her. But maybe, just maybe, in her memory I can help others understand. And so, my posts continue...
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I'm not going to lie. The last few days have been rough. The first 48 hours or so following my surgery I was super giddy...I mean high...I mean, relieved. I had pain and needed help, but overall if anyone asked, my response was, "I feel great!" But once things settled and my body started trying to detox from all the drugs and trauma, things took a nosedive. I hit the reality of recovery very hard. While this is a challenge, the balance to it is that I am lucky to be so loved. And as someone who often tries to carry the burden alone, I am very aware of an immense gratitude bubbling out of me. Every mug of hot tea I am handed, every hot plate of food, every load of laundry I see washed or clink of dishes being put away without me touching them...every lift out of bed, kiss on the forehead, bundle of flowers, or lingering visit with no expectation...they are all moments that break my heart in the best possible way.
Recovery is a precious thing. I am grateful for the time I was able to put in beforehand in order to take care of myself when I wouldn't really be able to. I am grateful for the visitors who have stopped by just to say hi. I am grateful for the slow time and the birds calling outside my window. And above all, I am grateful for the caretakers who have gone on watch while I needed the support. It's a humbling thing to need help into bed, onto the toilet, or taking meds because you have no memory or awareness of it all through the fog. While I've faced health challenges for a long time, I usually manage things on my own...charting supplements, therapies, diet, and the regular goings-on of life. But not this time. And anyway, the people I love are effected by and carry this load too, even if I'm not always aware of it. That truth is just magnified right now. I could say much more, but it basically comes down to the fact that I am lucky to be so loved and to know it. And we should all be so lucky.
