Sometimes poems need to be in red Crayola marker and surrounded by golden polka dots. They just do.
This little note could apply to so many things. I wrote it upon reflection of my experience through healthcare. I find that I worry, as we all do when troubling symptoms arise. With an already active anxiety living in my mind, I often catch thoughts on their incessant loops: "What's that? Oh no, not this again! Could this mean that again? Could that have been caused by this? Maybe I should I try this drug/surgery/diet/doctor/supplement/and-keep-going-because-this-list-never-ends. But what if that leads to this other thing that I don't even have now, but could end up with if I take that path? Did this thing I tried even help?"
Ohdearlord STOP! I roll my eyes at myself. I shake my shoulders, dusting off the fear. A few deep breaths. I start again.
I remind myself, "Hey, remember how stress makes all of this so much worse?" Oh, yeah. "And remember how the future hasn't even happened yet?" "Yeah," anxious me responds, "but if I do this thing then what if..." Finger up, waving in my face. NO. You can't go there.
When I do I enter the land of indecision, stalls, and stagnation. I don't decide. I stew in a mess of fear. Maybe I avoid a new problem here and there, but I think more often than not, I just end up delaying a decision by months, years, even decades.
I know I'll come back to this all again. It's such an ingrained pattern. But I also know, eventually, that bold guiding self will break through and remind me with a wagging finger to stop. Be still. You are here now. Make a choice and then move to your next "now." Continue, repeat.
_____ Poem: "The Stillness of Indecision"
We don't have all the answers
or know how this will play out
in the end.
All we have is now,
right now.
So where are we at?
And what can be done
from here?
Because sometimes
Now is all that can be held,
examined in the palm at eye level,
scrutinized for everything that it is
and is not.
Check this angle, that one, the other.
Nothing else is real or known.
So breathe.
Take a step forward
toward whatever you decide to do,
knowing it might affect a "later"
in untold ways,
but also knowing here,
right here,
all you can be is Now,
moving one foot
before the next will ever follow.
____
#affectvseffect I still don't get it.
